


Romantic Identity

by love_in_the_stars



Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Asexual!Tony, Bruce Feels, Bruce is awesome, Can't Have Sex!Bruce, Lots of Tony Feels, M/M, Tony has issues with himself, Warnings in the Author's Note, hurt!Tony
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-07
Updated: 2013-08-07
Packaged: 2017-12-22 18:21:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,636
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/916500
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/love_in_the_stars/pseuds/love_in_the_stars
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>When it was accidentally mentioned that Bruce couldn't have sex without going Hulk, Tony was, at first, intrigued simply over the science of it.</em>
</p>
<p>---</p>
<p>Wherein Tony has deplorable self-esteem and loves Bruce, who in turn loves Tony and is happy to tell Tony just how perfect he is.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Romantic Identity

**Author's Note:**

> Major warnings on this one, mainly for Tony's really negative view of himself. Because he never talked to anyone who knows anything, he believes being asexual is a horrible depravity and that there is something very wrong with him as a result and he's mostly accepted this. So be prepared to self-abuse on his end. Luckily, Bruce will attempt to tell him otherwise but for the sake of those reading this, if that sort of thing is a trigger, please skip this fic.
> 
> That being said, this takes place after the events of the movie where no threat has popped up in several months and Tony and Bruce have just been bonding and being bros in that time.

When it was accidentally mentioned that Bruce couldn't have sex without going Hulk, Tony was, at first, intrigued simply over the science of it. So they spent days going over data graphs and theories before Bruce got fed up with having it all thrown in his face for so long. Tony let it go because A) it’s Bruce and there was little he wouldn't do for Bruce and B) well, Tony was kind of jealous.

And that sounds horrible but it wasn’t not like that. He didn’t think that way to be mean it was just that he’d give anything to have a legitimate reason to not have sex. Because one of Tony’s most guarded secrets, that only one other person has ever known, was that he didn’t enjoy sex. In any way shape or form, he just didn’t care. The physical act did nothing for him other than the slightly gross feeling that came from having somebody else’s bodily fluids on yourself. Although, if he were truly honest with himself, which was hardly ever, he could admit that he did enjoy physical contact. Sometimes he even craved it, which was one of the reasons why he upheld his playboy status to such an extreme.

At first it was just because he was the son of a rich man and it was expected in the crowd he hung out with. He was pressured into it, honestly, and so many people just expected to see that kind of behavior that he was afraid of not acting that way. He knew there was something wrong with him but he also knew better than to say anything about it to his parents. A teenage boy with no sex drive or motivation? Shocking and appalling. At that age, Tony had been able to imagine the headlines in the papers over that one and it wasn’t pretty. Stark Industries did not need such bad press coming from the one who was supposed to take it over later down the road.

He hadn’t been able to keep it to himself though, not completely. It was just so frustrating. He craved physical contact and only got it through sex, which he hated. So he slipped up and told Obadiah, which at that time wasn’t really that big of a deal. Obadiah was still trusted at that point and all he’d done was tell Tony that he was sorry but the press could never find out and he promised that so long as Tony continued to front the playboy image that he wouldn’t tell Howard. Needless to say, Tony had continued to parade his one night stands because he could already hear the words Howard would have for him if he ever found out and frankly, Tony wasn’t sure he could handle it. He knew there was something wrong with him, he didn’t need his father in his face over it.

And that was that. Obadiah never told and Tony never told anyone else either. Not even Pepper. Though he had debated and wondered but in the end decided against it. Not because he didn’t trust her, not at all, and not because he didn’t love her because he did. He just couldn’t. Didn’t want to have to deal with the emotions that came with a reveal like this and he loved her too much to risk the slight possibility this might be the one thing she couldn’t handle from him. This fear was the same reason why he never made a move to take their friendship to a higher level. He just didn’t dare it.

Now, with him being a full-time Avenger/S.H.I.E.L.D consultant and still the brain behind SI even if he wasn't C.E.O, he just didn’t have time for the dalliances of before. Which was a relief because now he had something of an excuse for why he wasn’t out partying and sleeping around as much. He still had to have the occasional one night stand, just not as often to maintain his new public imagine. It didn’t help that he’d been having a harder time with it, either. For some reason he just couldn’t abide sleeping with random people anymore, not even the trade off of physical contact made it worth the effort of pretending. He couldn’t quite latch on to the reason why it was so different now, either.

So yeah. He’d been jealous, entertaining what it would have been like to be able to say that he wasn’t a playboy slut because if he had sex he’d likely level an entire city. That was pretty inarguable, really. He felt bad though because he didn’t envy Bruce the Hulk, just the effects of the Hulk. Which was the worst kind of selfish Tony had ever been because there was nothing Bruce hated more than the Hulk and that was understandable. Still didn’t change how Tony felt but he let it go because he loved Bruce, just a little.

\---

Tony might not talk about it anymore, the whole can’t have sex thing but he thought about it a lot. He looked at Bruce and thought about how it made the two of them tragically ironic and in all the worst ways. He even, momentarily, thought about telling Bruce about himself but immediately vetoed the idea. It was wrong and mean. Bruce would just be jealous that Tony wasn’t interested in sex but could still have it while he himself didn’t have that choice and probably never will. Tony might be an ass but he wasn’t that bad. He wasn’t cruel, especially not to Bruce. Never Bruce.

Eventually though he began to realize something that might change things, if it hadn’t already, even if he didn’t want it to. Instead of just loving Bruce, he was finding himself falling in love with him. Which was all sorts of terrifying for more reasons than Tony wanted to think about. Which, of course, meant he was thinking about it and rather a lot. Like how Tony sometimes got this really powerful urge to cuddle Bruce and play with the curls of his hair. It was weird, okay? He’d never had this sort of reaction to a person before, not even Pepper or Rhodey. The most he had ever outwardly shown any desire for physical affection were random, chaste kisses for Pepper on the hand or cheek and sudden, tight hugs for Rhodey. So this increasingly intense urge to just touch, never sexually, was unnerving for him.

Especially since this was one thing he could never have. He loved Bruce, sure but even more then that he respected the other scientist and was deeply invested in keeping him around. To that end he would never chance losing what he'd gained by telling Bruce the truth about himself and how he felt. Tony knew enough to be grateful for what he had that he already didn’t deserve, he wouldn't ask for more than that.

Then again, he kept forgetting just how smart Bruce was too.

\---

"Hey, Tony?"

"Uh-huh?" He muttered absently, acutely aware of Bruce right at his side and perfectly comfortable with the closeness, even though he yearned for more.

"What's going on with you?" It was said with deceptive calm, almost casually but Tony stilled anyway. He gave Bruce a sideways look but the other was staring avidly at the screens in the air in front of them.

"What do you mean?"

Bruce sighed and just like that Tony knew that the man was gearing himself for the long haul, which meant he wasn’t about to let whatever he was concerned about go with some carefully applied misdirection or distraction.

Damn.

"Tony, you've been acting strange ever since we talked about the...Hulk situation. Does it bother you that much?"

"That's not it and you know it." Tony said with a snort. "But I don't want to talk about this, so let's say that we did and get back to science."

"No, I don't know that or I wouldn't have to ask."

"Bruce, if I had any sort of problem with Big Green then I wouldn't be standing so close to you."

Bruce turned toward Tony, observing the way they were indeed standing closely next to each other. "Then what has you so on edge around me sometimes?"

Exasperated and completely unwilling to having this conversation, Tony blew out an annoyed breath. "Trust me when I say this is my problem, okay? You can't fix it and neither can I, so just let it go."

"If I said that you'd never let it go. And you didn't believe me when I said that either. At least tell me, Tony. Give me a chance to give something back to you for once."

"What?" Tony exclaimed, bewildered.

"I owe you so much more then you know. It's because of you and the way you accepted all of me that I'm the happiest I've been in longer than I can remember. Maybe I can't fix whatever is bothering you but I can at least listen to you and even try to help." Bruce said earnestly as he reached out to touch Tony's forearm in supplication.

It hurt, the way Bruce clearly hoped he could help when Tony knew he couldn't. Not when the problem lay beneath his skin in a way that was even worse than the Hulk in that it was not as easy to spot the sickness. Not that the Hulk was an illness, nothing of the sort. Hulk was just another side of Bruce, Tony had no such excuse. His sickness had always been with him and had no external cause for its existence.

"I can't." Was all he said when Bruce kept looking at him with those eyes.

"Why? What could be so bad that you can't trust me with it?"

And that hurt too because it was not true. He did trust Bruce, hell, he was one of the few people Tony could trust. "It's not that I don't trust you. It's more...I don't want to see the way it'll change how you look at me."

"Tony, I possess a monster beneath my skin, how can I judge you for anything?" Bruce said softly, waving off the protest that immediately formed on Tony's mouth. "I know, you don't believe that and I'm more thankful for your faith in me then you know. But to that end, how can you expect anything you say to make me look at you badly?"

"Bruce." Tony fumbled for words, unable to handle the beseeching way Bruce was leaning toward him and the equally powerful and sudden urge to hug the other man as tight as possible. In desperation, he looked everywhere but at Bruce, resolutely staring at the holo-screens.

In retaliation, Bruce shifted his grip to clasp over Tony's hand, squeezing gently. "You can tell me, I promise. Tony."

Tony scowled and pulled his hand away, crossing his arms over his chest protectively, covering the blue light of his reactor. "You'll leave." He muttered, almost too quiet to hear.

Bruce shook his head in response. "I promise. This tower is my home now because of you, I won't leave because of anything you do. Unless you wanted me to, of course."

"I don't want you to leave. Ever. That's why I can't tell you."

"Tony, I'm not leaving you, okay? I promise. Just tell me what's bothering you, please."

Oh god, he was going to tell, wasn’t he? Tony bit his lip but Bruce sounded so damn earnest that he actually believed him. Maybe it was true, that Bruce could understand at least a little. It's just been so long since anyone had known that Tony literally felt sick to his stomach even as he opened his mouth.

"I'm asexual, Bruce." He could feel the words coming out and instantly regretted letting them go, hearing it said so bluntly caused him to flinch. But like with train wrecks, Tony couldn't look away from Bruce's face now that he was looking and watching the other digest that.

Bruce frowned slightly, tilted his head and said, "that's it?"

And Tony was too thrown to do anything but gape at him. Luckily Bruce was still more coherent.

"I mean, sure, that's a surprise but seriously, Tony, why were you so worried?"

In the face of Bruce's nonchalance Tony felt ridiculous and that in turn caused him to go on the defensive, spitting out words like the weapons he used to make.

"Well, forgive me for being a bit concerned that you finding out just how fucked up I was would send you running for the hills. But I suppose that would be a sensible response and you're evidently not too sensible so of course you'd be fine with it. So, how about the fact that I'm an asexual that's also in love you? Huh? Is that a bit more of a valid reason to be concerned? Are you still okay with it now, Bruce?" He sneered after the last question, his words dipped in enough poison to throw Bruce off and delay his response. A delay Tony took advantage of to run away, leaving his pride and heart behind.

\---

Tony told Jarvis to lock his bedroom and let no one in and then proceeded to get blisteringly drunk with the alcohol he kept on hand. It was the only way he knew how to handle what just happened without getting in the armor and doing something really, really stupid. So, he drank and mourned and tore things apart that he then rebuilt and drank even more before passing out on his bed, still fully dressed and with a bottle clutched in his hand. His last thought in the haze of booze and self-hate was that he should have known better than to say anything at all because it would never end in his favor when it really mattered. Not when his sickness made him too wrong to deserve to be happy.

And happiness was the furthest thing from Tony's mind when he woke up the following day. He knew it wasn’t morning because Jarvis helpfully told him as much as well as reminded him that the Tylenol was in the adjoining bathroom. The reminder got Tony stumbling to his feet and moving to the bathroom where he proceeded to heave into the toilet until he was steady enough to actually handle getting the child proof cap off the Tylenol bottle. Once that was taken care of, he headed back into the bedroom to survey the damage he did last night while pouting. The TV was in one piece but when Tony tried to turn it on nothing happened so he made a mental note to look at it later and then dug through the remains of what appears to be two laptops and his cell phone. Which sucked because Tony had designed that phone from scratch to make it perfect for him and was literally one of a kind. So until he could make a new one he was left with no phone and only the apparently useless parts of the old one mixed with the laptops. It all looked like a mess so Tony assumed he didn’t so much as design last night as destroy, probably because it made him feel better at the time. At least he had that much in common with the Hulk.

The thought of the Hulk made Tony inwardly cringe as it also circled back to Bruce and the absolute horror of their conversation. He assumed that Bruce left, because why wouldn’t he, but didn’t ask Jarvis to confirm because Tony really didn’t want to hear just how badly he fucked up yesterday. He already knew. Instead he left behind the mess in his room and headed for the kitchen, in dire need of coffee.

Imagine his surprise when he stepped in and found Bruce sitting at the table as casually as you please with a tablet in his hands and a cup of steaming tea next to him. Tony froze in the doorway and entertained the thought that he really should have checked with Jarvis to make sure Bruce was gone after all. Before he could flee back out of the kitchen, Bruce set the tablet down and looked right at Tony.

"Sit down, Tony. Please."

He did not want to have this conversation, he really didn’t. Instead of sitting, Tony headed for the coffee pot since it looked like Bruce wasn’t about to let him run away again. If he was going to have to do this then he needed the caffeine to survive it.

"You ran away before we could finish talking yesterday and Jarvis wouldn't let me in your room last night."

"I think we talked enough yesterday." Tony muttered with a wince.

"No, you had your say and then didn't give me the chance to respond. I want to do that now, so sit down." Bruce said calmly, pointing at the chair across from him.

Reluctantly, Tony obeyed, the mug of coffee clutched tightly in his hands.

Bruce nodded, pleased, and then took a breath. "There are a few things I want to ask you and a couple issues to address. I want to start with something you said in that rant yesterday. Something about how you were worried about me finding out just how fucked up you were? Well, I want to clear that up right off the bat."

Tony made a face at that and Bruce frowned. "Look at me. Tony, look at me, there you go. Listen, okay? There is nothing wrong with being asexual, alright? It's not something you have to feel shame or guilt over, which I can tell you are. Now, I don't know where you got the idea it was but believe me when I tell you there is nothing wrong with you."

That was...not what he was expecting to hear and Tony blinked at Bruce, uncertain. But why would Bruce lie about something like that?

"I mean it, Tony. Asexuality is not some sickness or depravity. It's not all that common, true, but hardly anything that reflects badly on you."

"Please." Tony said with a snort, lips curled up in self-disgust. "What kind of guy doesn't want or like sex? Seriously? How is that not fucked up? Bruce, I never even entertained genuine thoughts of arousal when I was teenager! What kind of teenager doesn't get horny?"

"Hey, stop that. Asexuality may be just a recently acceptable orientation but its been around for a lot longer." Bruce said soothingly and spread his hands out. "There is nothing wrong with you, Tony, at least not in this regard. I mean, yeah, you have some issues but we all do and it doesn't make you any less of a person."

Tony scowled down at his coffee and hid the expression by taking a long sip. Bruce was watching him carefully but Tony's not sure what to think yet, didn’t dare get his hopes up, not when this conversation, wasn’t over yet.

"Can I ask you something?" Bruce said finally and Tony didn’t respond but that was just because they both already knew the answer to that. "Who have you told about this?"

Guh, he had hoped Bruce wouldn't ask him that. "No one."

"No one?" The other man repeated, brows furrowed in disapproval.

"Well." Tony hesitated a moment before taking a breath. "I told Obie, Obadiah, once. A long time ago. That's it."

"And what did he say to you?"

Tony shrugged in answer and Bruce sighed. "I kind of figured. Bad for the company, right? That explains the playboy image you cultivate so carefully. I thought it would have been..." Bruce paused but Tony knew what he wanted to say.

Your father.

"Obie said he wouldn't tell and as far as I know he never did. One good thing he did for me."

"What about Pepper? Does she know?" Bruces asked, hands curling around his tea mug.

"No. Why would I tell her? She's got enough to deal with running my company."

Bruce made a noise that could mean anything but was most likely doubt then said, "I'm sorry, Tony."

Tony blinked and gave Bruce an incredulous look. "What for?"

"Because you've been forcing yourself to do all these things because nobody ever told you that you're just fine the way you are. And you are, Tony. You're amazing, okay, your orientation doesn't change that in any way."

It was exactly what Tony never let himself dream of hearing and getting it now, after so long, felt unreal and unreliable. He was almost certain he was still passed out on his bed or having a hallucination of some sort. Most likely expecting his disbelief, Bruce reached across the table to rest his hand lightly over Tony’s, fingers gently cradling his wrist.

“I mean that, Tony. I know that’s probably hard for you to hear or even believe after so long of thinking such horrible thoughts about yourself but I promise there is nothing wrong with you. And I will tell you that as many times as you need to hear it to finally believe me.”

Tony swallowed with some difficulty, his whole being seemingly focused on the sensation of Bruce touching him. He’s not really paying attention to what Bruce was saying as a result but nodded anyway, knowing that to be the right response.

Bruce’s expression said that he knew he hadn’t gotten through yet but he didn’t continue this particular fight and neither did he withdraw his hand. Instead he gave Tony a soft squeeze and ook a breath to continue. “And there’s one more thing I want to talk about. You said you were in love with me.” He didn’t say it as a question, he wasn't looking to make Tony repeat it but his words were softer and he got Tony’s undivided attention now anyway. The engineering genius looked at him with wide eyes and an unusually vulnerable face.

“You said that as if it were something horrible, too. I don’t know if you meant because we’re men or because it’s me but either way I don’t want you hating yourself for it.”

“It’s not you, Bruce.” Tony said instantly, “at least not in that way.”

"Okay, then in what way did you mean it?"

"Well, it's not exactly fair to you, is it? I mean, you know, we already talked about your sex issue and it's a bit of an asshole move to say 'hey, Bruce, you can't have sex and I don't like it in the first place so we should totally cuddle every night and even during the day. Also, I'm pretty sure I love you, so there's that. Tea?'" Tony huffed and averted his eyes again, pulling his hand free.

Bruce frowned again. "Tony, you being asexual is not an insult to me and I promise it can’t change how much I care for you. Because I do, care that is. A lot, actually.”

“You’re just saying that.” Tony muttered.

“No, I’m not. We’ve just both been a bit oblivious when it comes to each other. I really, really, like you too, Tony. I was just so certain that you weren’t interested.” Here, Bruce shrugged. “I mean, why would you be? I figured the no sex thing would be a deal breaker with anyone, especially you. That doesn’t mean I don’t still feel very strongly for you.”

Tony blinked a couple of times before looking up at Bruce cautiously. “So what are you saying, bottom line here?”

“I’m saying that I’d like to have a relationship with you, if you’ll have me.”

“And how is that supposed to work?” Tony demanded, not willing to get his hopes up just yet.

Bruce grinned slightly at him, eyes warm in a way that soothed some of Tony’s instinctive fear. “I imagine us being together will work much the way it already does. We’ll do science together, have dinner with each other and cuddle on the couch when we watch movies. You may not like sex but you still need physical contact, Tony and so do I. So, really, cuddling will be perfect for both of us.”

Tony studied him for a long moment before his eyes widened. “You’re serious.” He said, sounding shocked.

“Of course. Tony, I love you too, okay? That’s not going to change.” Bruce said, before getting up from his chair and moving around the table toward Tony, who just watched him approach with a frozen posture. Moving slow enough to telegraph his intentions and not to startle, Bruce leaned in and hugged Tony, gripping nice and tight.

The other genius let out a gasping breath but after a moment his own arms came up to complete the embrace. Then, impulse and long standing desire getting the best of him, Tony slid a hand into Bruce’s curls and just held on tight, ducking his face into the other’s neck. Bruce stayed still and made no effort to pull away, letting Tony settle into his arms.

“I don’t deserve you.” Tony whispered after a moment and Bruce could easily hear the several connotations hiding in that sentence. _I don’t deserve you. I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve to be happy. It just doesn’t happen._

“You deserve more than you ever ask for.” Bruce said in response, nestling his nose in Tony’s hair to breathe the other in. “This is something we can both have, I promise.”

Tony’s head nodded in response but Bruce knew better than to take that as an understanding gesture. Given all the damage done to his self-esteem and vision of self-worth over the years, Bruce knew it would take much more than this one instance to make Tony believe what he’s said. Only with time and patience can Bruce even hope to undo that much damage but by God, he was more than willing to try.

Because he _was_ worth it. No matter what the other would believe, Tony was worth anything and Bruce would spend as long as he had to in order to make Tony understand that himself.

"C'mon." Bruce said softly after a minute. "I know your head still hurts, bring your coffee and let's go to the living room."

" _Real Steel_." Tony muttered, reluctantly pulling away but Bruce didn't let him go far, still keeping hold of his hands and keeping their bodies close.

"Yeah, alright, I know you're just going to mock and argue with the science."

Tony grinned, "Of course. Don't try to act like you won't be doing the exact same thing."

"Would never dream of it." Bruce said loftily and started leading Tony in the direction of the lounge. Tony was unusually pliable to his urging, which was gratifying in the sense it made his trust in Bruce obvious. In only a few minutes he had them both bundled up on the plush couch, wrapped in a blanket and each other.

"Start the movie, please, Jarvis." Bruce asked.

"With pleasure." Was the response as the giant, wall-sized tv came to life.

"And kill the lights." Tony added, sounding more relaxed then Bruce had heard him in any situation outside of the lab.

He had a feeling Tony would be asleep long before the movie concluded and that was more then fine by him. Bruce instead would take this opportunity to bask in having Tony so close and warm in his arms. Now that he had this, something he never thought he would, he planned to savor every bit of Tony exactly the way he deserved.

"Love you." Tony muttered, voice already sleepy and slow.

Bruce hid his giant smile in Tony's hair and breathed in deep. "I love you too."


End file.
